


Just Stay Right Here (Promises, Promises)

by mynameisnotmac



Category: Rent - Larson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Character Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mark needs a hug, Sickfic, caring roger
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-06
Updated: 2018-07-06
Packaged: 2019-06-06 07:44:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 11,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15190073
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mynameisnotmac/pseuds/mynameisnotmac
Summary: "Let's be scared together. Let's pretend that nothing, is awful.  There's nothing to fear.  Just stay right here, I love you."Mark falls apart after Roger leaves for Santa Fe.  Cannon Divergence for the last part of Rent.  Soft Roger/Mark Stuff essentially.





	1. Chapter 1

A week after they got Collin’s call about Angel, Mark sat down on Rogers bed and gently shook his shoulder. No response. Unsurprising, as Roger hadn’t moved in days. Never left the loft, barely ate, didn’t say more than three words to Mark. But he hadn’t really spoken since the night Mimi left for Benny’s again. Mark sighed, but didn’t move his hand from his friends shoulder. 

“Please don’t leave me again.” It came out as a cracked whisper. “It feels like I just got you back.” Roger shifted a little at the words. “I know you’re hurting. I’m hurting too. Please let me in.” 

Roger rolled over so he was facing Mark. He looked rough. Dark circles around his eyes, lips chapped from biting them. He knew Mark was trying to be the strong one, like always, but there was this pinch between his eyebrows. It made him look older, more exhausted. He probably was. Roger moved to the side and pulled back the blanket. Mark immediately lay down beside him. It didn’t seem to bother him that Roger smelled like he hadn’t showered in four days. He just put a hand to his stubbly cheek and looked at him with sorrowful concern that would’ve broken Roger’s heart if he could have felt anything in that moment. Still, he made a half assed attempt at comfort. He pulled Mark a little closer and mumbled

“It’s okay, I’m still here.” He then pretended to go to sleep. They lay there in silence for a few minutes before Roger heard a whispered 

“No, you’re not.” He didn’t say anything. It was true after all.


	2. Chapter 2

“There’s so much to care about there’s me- there’s Mimi!” Mark bit his tongue as he corrected himself. Anything to get Roger to stay. 

“Yeah well, Mimi’s got her baggage too.”

“So do you.” Mark did his best to keep his voice steady. He couldn’t believe this was happening. 

“Who are you to tell me what I know?” Roger was going through the cupboards taking things at random. He didn’t even know who’s stuff was who really. He and Mark just blurred together. 

“A friend. Your friend!” He slammed a mug down on the table. 

“But who Mark are you?” He gestured to the camera discarded on a chair. “Mark has got his work" they say "Mark lives for his work" and "Mark's in love with his work" Mark hides in his work.”

“From what?” Mark’s voice has a shake to it now. At this point Roger was picking at things just to being mean. Trying to make it easier to leave. 

“From facing your failure, facing your loneliness facing the fact you live a lie. Yes, you live a lie tell you why  
you're always preaching not to be numb when that's how you thrive. You pretend to create and observe when you really detach from feeling alive.” 

“Perhaps it’s because I’m the one of us, to survive!” There were tears now. Mark doesn’t cry. Not anymore. He hates this. Roger just cocked his head to the side and glared at him. 

“Poor baby.” He spits. 

“Fuck you! After all you put me through you think I have any other choice than to detach? You think I could’ve made it out of that year with emotions?” 

Roger stopped zipping up his bag and grabbed at the canvas, bunching it between his hands. He closed his eyes and for a moment Mark thought he had a ledge is this free fall. But then Roger threw his bag over his shoulder and started for the door. This was why he has to go. Mark grabbed at his arm. 

“Stop! Please! I didn’t mean it. I-we-Mimi still loves you. Are you really jealous or afraid that Mimi’s weak?”

“Mimi did look pale”

“Mimi’s gotten thin, Mimi’s running out of time and you’re running out the door-“ 

“No more!” Roger shrugged Mark off “I’ve gotta go. You just don’t understand.”

“Right, I don’t understand watching someone you love fade away in front of you. I have absolutely no idea how that feels.” 

Mark’s words are bitter but they hit home enough that Roger turned around. He saw the hurt reflected back at him. 

“It’s not about her-it’s not just about Mimi. I’m sorry.” He said. And he is, but right now he’s more scared than sorry.

“Please don’t leave me.” The soft plea didn’t seem to work so he hardened his voice again. 

“For someone who’s always been let down who's heading out of town?”

“For someone who longs for a community of his own, who's with his camera, alone?”

“I’m only alone cause you’re leaving me asshole!”

Roger looked at the ground and leaned against the door for a moment before opening it.

“I’ll call.” He says looking up, but he can only stand to watch Mark cry for a few seconds before turning to go. 

“Why bother saying it. We both know you won’t” Mark said quietly behind him. He made it down the first flight of stairs before he heard Mark yell. 

“Hey asshole! Don’t forget to take your meds!” Then the loft door slamed shut. 

Alone, Mark slid down the wall and cried.


	3. Chapter 3

Sunny Santa Fe. Living the dream. The dream was shit. Roger and his new fender busked for quarters in the heat and tried not to think of home. Tried not to think about what home meant. 

He thought he might miss Mimi more. Deep down Roger knew she was just an easy way to forget certain things, but he thought he had at least some feelings for her that went beneath the surface. They fought constantly, and it could never be quite what either of them wanted, but there had to be something between them. familiarity maybe? He was surprised to find he barely thought about her after the first week. Was she really just a distraction of his? Yes he cared about her, maybe loved her in someway, but deep down he knew she wasn’t what he ran away from. 

The rest of the month was filled with an agonizing guilt and longing over one Mark Cohen. Roger thought about him day and night. Saw him in crowds and the corners of cafes. He missed his best friend. He kept replaying their last argument over and over. 

“I-we-Mimi still loves you”

I-we-Mimi. 

I-we-Mimi. 

I. 

I still love you. 

Mark still loved him. Mark loved him. It wasn’t surprising. Shocking to hear out loud, but unsurprising. He knew Mark loved him, lord knows only people stupidly in love put up with the things Roger had put him through. The surprising part was Roger was finally willing to admit he loved him too. That he had loved him for so long. He didn’t want to at first. The idea of having an expiration date, he didn’t want to put Mark through that, that’s what he told himself anyway. It was better than the truth that he was scared, scared of fucking it up and losing Mark, the best thing in his life. But he couldn’t hold it in any longer. It had taken was a few years, a month apart and half the country between them but he was ready now. 

The minute Roger figured it out he was on a bus back to New York. Two days of agony later he was at the city depot. He grabbed his bags and started running home and didn’t stop until he was up the stairs and at the loft door. He was about to knock when it opened in front of him to reveal Maureen and Joanne. 

“Roger!” They looked shocked to see him, panting in front of them, bags in hand. The shocked look gave way to a bitter one, and for Joanne, a look of concern. 

“Mimi isn’t here.” Maureen spat. “And why are you all sweaty? Roger shook his head. 

“Not here to see her.” He panted. “I ran, all the way, from the depot. Where’s Mark?”

“You ran eleven blocks?” Joanne looked at him like he’d grown another head. 

“Yeah. Where’s Mark? I’ve gotta talk to him” 

“Up on the roof.” Joanne touched his arm, her face filled with worry again. “Listen, Roger, you should know, Mark’s not, he hasn’t been, when you, he’s...not himself right now.”

“What happened? What’s wrong?” Maureen looked over from where she was leaning against the door frame. 

“You did a real good number on him by leaving.” She ignored the look Joanne gave her. “What? You want me to pretend he didn’t? The guy loves you. Put up with you when no one else would. Put his whole life into making sure you had one and you lead him on and then just up and leave. You might as well have put a gun to his head.”

“MAUREEN.”

“I said it. I meant it. I’m not taking it back” she looked at Roger who had all but bitten through his lip with guilt and worry. 

“Well I’m here now.” Roger said pushing past her. 

 

Roger took the stairs up the fire escape two at a time. The air was biting cold, that bleak sun hanging in the air, not really doing much. Winter was officially here in New York, but on the roof, Roger found Mark in only a sweater. He was sitting on one of the old benches they had dragged up, looking over the city. He must have noticed Roger come up though because he spoke without turning. 

“It’s not going to work this time. I know you’re not really here.” Roger’s brow knit together. 

“Mark what are you talking about? Of course I’m here.” All that earned him was a bitter laugh. 

“Yeah alright, like you don’t say that every time.”

“What are you talking about? Are you okay?”

“Do I look like I’m okay? I’m talking to myself on a roof, I’m well past okay.” 

He furiously shook his head, like he was trying to make a memory leave. Roger was officially concerned. He sat down beside his friend. 

“Mark, it’s me, I’m here, I promise.” He reached out to touch his arm, but Mark jumped back in surprise. He did however turn to look at him this time. His face broke Roger’s heart. Dark bruises under glazed eyes. He looked smaller that normal, if that was possible. The pinch between his eyebrows was back, if it had ever left at all. Mark reached out slowly, his hand shaking as he gently touched Roger’s chest. He lay his hand flat, feeling the heart beat. 

“Huh. You really are here.” He sounded dazed. His eyes didn’t leave Roger’s chest. “I’m sorry, I don’t know where Mimi is. I haven’t seen her since you left. I’m not that useful if you’re trying to find her.” Roger covered Mark’s hand with his own. 

“I didn’t come here for Mimi. I came here for you.” Mark’s head slowly turned up to look at him. Big watery blue eyes, confused. It brought tears to Roger’s eyes to see him like this. “It’s you Mark. Of course it’s you.” Mark just kept staring at him, eyes dazed and bright like Rogers words weren’t quite registering. He pulled him into his arms. “I’m sorry it took me so long to say it.” 

“You didn’t call.”

“I know. I’m sorry. The minute I realized I was on a bus straight back here to see you. I didn’t have time to call.”

“You didn’t call at all.”

“I tried, it was too hard-no. No excuses. I’m sorry.”

“You said you’d call”

“You’re right. I should have called. But I’m here now. I’m sorry but I’m here now, and I’m not leaving, I promise.”

“You said you’d call.”

Roger tried to apologize again but Mark just kept mumbling about not calling and began sobbing. It was starting to scare him a little, but not as much as when he realized that Mark was shivering violently. 

“You’re shaking like a leaf.” He heard the clacking of teeth. “And you’re freezing. What are you even doing out here?” 

“It’s b-been a long month. D-doesn’t matter. You’re, you’re here now.” That was the last thing Mark remembered before blacking out.


	4. Chapter 4

Mark opened his eyes to find sunlight streaming in through the windows. How’d he get inside? Why was he in bed? Reaching a hand out from under the blanket he felt over the side of the mattress for his glasses. A little two aggressively apparently, as he knocked into them and sent them skittering across the floor. He jumped in surprise as someone placed them in his hand. 

“Jesus Christ” he muttered as he pushed the glasses up his nose. He looked up and saw Roger sitting on the edge of the mattress. “You’re here.” Roger’s eyebrows furrowed. 

“Been here all night. Most of yesterday too. We were on the roof, remember?”

“Huh. Thought I might have dreamed it.” His voice still had a hollow sound to it. “Wait- how long have I been asleep?” 

“I don’t know that I’d call it sleep. You passed out on the roof. You’ve been unconscious for about nineteen hours. Scared the shit out of me.”

“Yeah well you deserve it.”

“Probably. How’re you feeling now?” Mark sighed. He hated being asked that question. 

“Tired.” He said, despite waking up from the most sleep he’s had in a month. He went went completely still when Roger reached out and touched the backs of his knuckles to his forehead. His stomach swirled and he’s wasn’t sure if it was butterflies or nausea. “M’fine” he mumbled, trying to sit up. The room tilted and he pitched to the side, but Roger caught him. He stacked a couple pillows behind him and leaned him against the wall. 

“No you’re not.” He gently grazed Mark’s jawline with his fingertips. It felt good but Mark stiffened. He didn’t want to give in just yet. Taking the hint, Roger retreated and picked up the styrofoam container and the spoon sitting on the floor next to the mattress. “Here,” He says peeling off the lid. “Joanne stopped by with soup on her way to work, from that deli on T Street that you love. It’s the kind with the matzah balls and the noodles. You should eat while it’s still warm.” Mark closed his eyes. 

“I’m not hungry.”

“I didn’t ask if you were hungry.” Roger held a spoonful up but Mark turned his head away. 

“Stop it. I don’t want you doing this for me. I’m mad at you.”

“Good. You should be. Be as angry as you want while you eat this soup.” Mark still made no move towards it, so Roger pushed it even closer “God as my witness I’m not leaving ’til you eat something. This is my hill to die on now Cohen.” 

Mark sighed and let Roger feed him the soup, embarrassed that his hands were still shaking too badly to hold the spoon. He hated this so much. He hated having to be taken care of, that was his job. He was the one who made Roger eat, checked for fevers, sat watch on the edge of the mattress. The role reversal was unnerving. 

He was less than a third of the way through the soup before he turned his head away again, unable to eat more. Roger sighed, unhappy but satisfied for now, and set the cup down again. His fingers brushed at Mark’s face again and this time Mark let him, too tired to protest. 

“What happened Bark?” That’s what he used to call him, back when Mark was directing with scripts, barking out orders, telling people where to go and what to say. And then when Mark was barking orders at him. ‘Eat this’ ‘Take your AZT’ ‘Come outside with me.’ Always with love of course. But even though he used a goofy nickname, there was sadness and confusion behind it. Mark looked down at his lap. 

“You left.”

“So you just stopped living?” 

“Pretty much. Sure tried at least.” Roger didn’t think his heart could break any more.

“Jesus Mark, why?” His head snapped up and he looked at Roger, eyes hard. 

“Oh I don’t know, let’s see. One of my friends dies, another disappears to deal with his broken heart, which I can’t really fault him. One goes to rehab, the other back to his comfortable condo with his stuffy wife. My ex-girlfriend and her new girlfriend try and find some peace in their own life and I don’t want to bother them because how fucking pathetic is that? Then my best friend, the one constant figure in my life, the one I lo-, the one I went to hell and back with, takes off. Doesn’t explain why, doesn’t look back and doesn’t even fucking call. You’ve gotta see how my outlook has been a little bleak. I just don’t know - I’m so alone - I still - I couldn’t - I can’t - I can’t...” 

Mark was worked up now, crying and shaking all over, breathing heavy, his pale complexion had taken on a green tinge. Thinking quickly, Roger grabbed the bucket in the corner of the room that Mark used as a trash can. He thrust it under Mark’s chin just in time for the small portion of soup to make a comeback. Roger slid up behind Mark to support him before he fell sideways again. The sight of Mark looking so weak brought tears to Roger’s eyes. 

“Shhhh, it’s okay.” He whispered, running a hand back and forth over Marks shoulders. He hated that he could feel every bone. “It’s okay, I’m here. I’m sorry. I’m here. Everything’s okay. I’m here. I’m gonna take care of you. Everything’s gonna be fine. I’m so sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” He was rambling now but he didn’t care. Mark finally settled. Pulling a tissue of of the box he found on the floor, he traded it to Mark for the bucket. Settling his friend back against the wall, he went and cleaned up the mess before returning with a glass of water. 

Mark hadn’t moved at all. Sitting down next to him, Roger put his arm around him and brought the cup to his lips. 

“Small sips.” He said, remembering the countless times Mark had said that to him while in the same position. Thankfully Mark complied, taking a few shaky sips at a time until the cup was drained. He leaned back against Roger and sighed. 

“I’m still mad at you” he muttered into the fabric of Roger’s sweater. “But you’re warm.” 

“So are you” he replied, “It scares me a bit” without thinking he pressed his lips to Mark’s hairline. Mark froze for a second before nuzzling Roger’s shoulder. “You should get some more sleep.” 

“No!” He could feel Mark tense up again “if I go to sleep you’ll leave and I don’t - I can’t - I can’t -“

“Shhhh, it’s okay, it’s okay. I’m here, I’m not leaving.” Roger promised as he pulled them so they we’re both laying down. He took Mark’s hand and pressed it to his chest. “Feel that? I’m right here and I’m not going anywhere.” It seemed to calm him enough to let him close his eyes at least. 

“You’re really here.” He whispered, his body relaxing again. 

“I’m really here.”

“You’re really here.” He repeated over and over as he fell asleep in Roger’s arms. 

The next time Mark woke up he was almost nose to nose with Roger, who in his sleep had loosely pinned him to his side. His knee was tucked between Roger’s thighs and his fists were balled around the fabric of his sweater. Releasing his grip, he reached up to brush some of the long tufts of hair out of the mans face, letting his hand fall and rest on the back of his neck. Roger’s eyelids fluttered open. He smiled sleepily at Mark, his eyes darting back and forth over the mess he had made of himself. 

“Hey.” Mark said, weaving his fingers through the blonde locks. “You look tired. You been sleeping okay?” Roger snorted softly. 

“Yeah Bark, I’m okay. Just worried about you.” 

“You’ve been taking your meds? Have you been eating?”

“Mark.” Roger gently untangled Mark’s hand from his hair and held it between them. “I’m okay I promise. I’ve been taking my meds every day. Right now we’re concerned with you, okay? How are you? Tell me how you’re feeling.”

“I’m fine. Have you eaten today?”

“Wrong answer. Try again. How are you feeling?”

“I hate this. Stop trying to take care of me, I’ll be okay.”

“Tough shit I’m doing it anyway. How are you feeling?” 

“Roger”

“Mark”

“Stop it”

“How’re you feeling?”

“I FEEL SHITTY! Happy now? I feel gross and tired and dizzy and achy. I feel like someone squeezing my insides in a giant fist. I want to be so mad at you but I never want you to leave my side again. I’m so happy to see you I think it might kill me but I’m terrified you’re gonna leave again which would definitely kill me.” Mark shakes against Roger’s frame. “And I can’t stop fucking crying and I hate it. I hate everything. Or at least I want to.” He pulled his hand away and buried his face in Roger’s chest. He felt him rubbing his back. 

“I’m not gonna leave, I promise. I’m right here and I’m not going anywhere. What can I do to show you that I’m here to stay? Just tell me what I need to do.” Mark was silent for a moment, just quietly shaking against Roger’s embrace. 

“Tell me why you came back.” He finally said. 

“You know why I came back.”

“No I don’t, not really anyway. What if I’m wrong? I need you to say it. I just, I’ll never be able to make myself believe it if you don’t say it.”

“Mark” Roger said, pulling back so he could look him in the eyes. “I came back because I’m in love with you. I’m so undeniably, undisputedly, irrevocably, in love with you. I have been for so long.” He pressed a kiss into Mark’s forehead. “I love you” he whispered. He pressed another one into the smile lines next to his eye. “I love you.” Another on his cheek. “I love you.” his nose. “I love you.” The corner of his mouth. “I-“

Roger was cut off by Mark catching his lips with his own. The kiss was dry. It was salty and stale but all Mark. He could taste the tears and the sweat and It was still everything he’d wanted for so long. He was disappointed when Mark pulled away, trying to compose himself. Roger brushed the tears from his cheeks and gently kissed his forehead again. 

“It’s just - I - for so long - I thought, I never thought I’d ever hear you say that.”

“I know. I- I didn’t want you hitching your entire wagon to a dead horse I guess. I thought if I could keep you at arms length as much as I could it would be easier for you. But I guess I’m selfish and now it’s too late for that.”

“You’re damn right it is. I’ve been hitched to you since...well for a long time. So no more of this. It’s you and me now, promise?”

“I promise.”

“No more bullshit between us okay?” Roger laughed, brushing Mark’s pink cheeks beneath his fingers. 

“I mean come on Bark, it’s you and me. I feel like we need at least a little allowance for bullshit.”

“Okay fine. A minimal amount of bullshit between us. Deal?”

“Deal.” Both boys were grinning from ear to ear. “And Mark?”

“Yeah Roger?”

“I love you.”

“Shut up and kiss me again asshole.” And so he did.


	5. Chapter 5

When Mark woke up alone the next morning he panicked. Throwing back the covers and grabbing his glasses he ran out of the room as fast as he was able.

“Roger!” He shouted, but stopped abruptly and sighed with relief when he saw his roommate standing over the hotplate in the kitchen. The adrenaline that had carried him this far dissipated and he leaned against a support beam. Roger, who had looked up at all the commotion came running over.

“Easy there Flash Gordon.” He said lightly, but his eyes showed how concerned he was. “I was just making breakfast. Come here.”

He took Mark by the shoulders and led him to the table. He looked better today. There was a little more colour in his face, and he seemed less shaky. But still weak enough to be concerning. Pulling out their one chair he sat him down in it before returning to the hotplate.

“You’re cooking?” Mark asked, with a look of confusion. “You can’t cook.” Roger laughed as he grated cheese into the pan.

“I can cook I just don’t. There’s a difference.”

“Roger. I’ve lived with you for five years. The only thing I’ve ever seen you cook is kraft dinner and it was a trying time.”

“So it’s been awhile. I’ve been busy. Anyways, it’s just eggs, not like it’s hard.”

The way Mark cocked his head was so adorable it made Roger want to lean over and kiss away the wrinkle between his eyebrows. He scrambled the eggs instead.

“Where the hell did you get eggs?”

“I called Maureen.”

“And she picked up?”

“I called again after she hung up on me and Joanne answered. So now we have eggs. Other things too, like spinach and cheese.”

“Spinach?”

“It’s good for you.” Said Roger, pulling down two plates from the cupboard and piling them with eggs.

“Roger we haven’t had a vegetable in this house in months and you start with spinach?”

“Joanne picked it. Eat up.” He said setting a plate of eggs with greens and cheese in front of Mark. He sighed heavily at it and made no move to pick up his fork. “It’s eggs, not a death sentence.”

“We don’t know that. Never had your cooking.”

“Less sass, more breakfast.”

“You’re eating too right?”

“Hence the plate in front of me.” Said Roger, leaning on the table across from Mark.

“Have you taken your-“

“AZT?” Roger held up a pill between his fingers. “Doing it right now. Figured you’d feel better if you saw me take it.” It did ease the tension in Marks shoulders slightly. “No more excuses. Eat your eggs and let me take care of you.”

“God I hate this.”

“It’s annoying isn’t it?” Roger laughed scooping up his food. The irony wasn’t lost on him.

Mark’s eyes narrowed but he picked up his fork and took a tentative bite. And then another. He was surprised to find the food wasn’t bad. He got halfway through before he was done. He was actually done five bites in but Roger was looking at him so intently and he had gone to so much trouble that he forced himself to keep going. Roger seemed content for the moment. He finished Mark’s eggs himself and then cleared their plates, but not before walking around the table to quickly kiss Mark’s cheek.

“Thank you.” He said, knocking their heads together gently. It’s the first time Mark had been happy and full in months. He felt tears prick behind his eyes but in a good way. Roger pretended not to notice as he brought their dishes to the sink.

Mark made his way to the living room and laid down on the couch. Roger followed, guitar case in hand and sat down on the floor by Mark’s head. He opened the case before turning to look back over his shoulder and found a pair of big drooping blue eyes staring back at him. He thought of all the times he and Mark had been in this exact spot and all the times he had wanted to kiss him. It was too much. He leaned in and pressed their lips together. He heard Mark make a sleepy but happy hum in the back of his throat. When he pulled away Mark’s eyes were closed and he had a small smile on his face. Roger pressed another kiss onto his forehead.

“How ya doing?” He asked. Mark opened his eyes to roll them.

“Please stop asking me that.” He sighed when Roger didn’t turn around. “I’m okay.” He said, earning a raised eyebrow. “Really. I haven’t felt this good in a long time. I’m tired and achy, but I’m good.” He reached over to tuck some of Roger’s hair behind his ear “I promise.” This seems to satisfy him.

“Do you want to sleep? I can put this away if you want to take a nap.” He said hand already on the lid of the guitar case.

“No it’s okay. All we’ve done is sleep since you got back. I want to listen to you play. It’s been so long.” Roger nodded and pulled out the fender. “It’s different.”

“Yeah. Sold my old one, remember? I bought this one down in Santa Fe.”

“Oh right. That makes sense. It’s nice.”

Roger smiled, leaning back against the couch he started tuning the strings. He felt Mark playing with his hair again. Enjoying the peacefulness of the moment he started plucking and strumming absentmindedly.

“This isn’t Musetta’s Waltz.” Mark mumbled sleepily. Roger stopped playing to look at him.

“No, It isn’t.”

“It’s not one of your other songs either.”

“It’s brand new. I just finished it. I finally finished a new song.”

“Took you long enough.” Mark teased, but he scratched Roger’s scalp to take the edge off his words. “Well don’t stop, I want to hear it. Who knows when I’ll get to hear the next new one.”

Roger reached up and over to flick Mark’s ear but then did as he was asked. He strummed along, singing about Mark’s eyes the night he left for Santa Fe. When he finished he looked back to find Mark crying with his face in his hands. Setting the guitar on the floor he gently pried Mark’s hands away from his face and held them in his own. Mark squeezed them before breaking away to wrap his arms around Roger’s shoulders and bury his face in his shoulder.

“I really liked it.” He said, the words muted by Roger’s collar. “Jesus, I just can’t stop crying lately. I’m sorry.” Roger slipped out of the awkward embrace so he could move to sit on the couch next to Mark before pulling him into his arms.

“You don’t have to be sorry for crying. It’s okay. The world’s not gonna end cause you got a little weepy I promise.”

“Ugh I just hate it though. I feel so useless and stupid. Plus the last time I did it scared the shit out of you.”

Roger cupped his cheek and brushed away the tears with his thumb. He liked being able to touch Mark’s face, usually it was the other way around, and only when things were absolutely up shits creek. He loved this casual physicalness that was growing between them.

“You’re not useless or stupid. Also I was mostly scared because you hurled a chair across the room and you looked like you were gonna kill someone.”

“Oh yeah. I forgot I did that.”

“Mmhmm. I’d never seen you break something intentionally, or even get violent. It was shocking.”

“Jesus I don’t think I had ever been that mad.”

“Well, Benny does bring that out in people.”

When Mark fell asleep again, he dreamed of the morning of the chair throwing.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------

“ _Speeeeeak” the machine beeps and someone, probably Maureen starts their message, just far enough away from the closed bathroom door that Mark can’t make out what’s being said._

_“You can go get that.” Roger says quietly from inside the shower. “I’ll be okay.”_

_It’s a lie. Both boys know it. It took twenty minutes for mark to convince Roger to get in the shower, just like it does every time. But at least he’s going in now. At least he’s got the endurance up to stand long enough to take a shower. It’s been a long few months. Mark leans his head back against the wall and closes his eyes. He selfishly dreams of the day he’ll sleep properly again._

_“Whoever it is probably knows we screen. It’s fine.” He can almost hear Roger’s sigh of relief over the sound of running water._

_Mark stays awake long enough for Roger to finish his shower and then heads to the kitchen to make a pot of coffee. Roger follows quietly behind him. He doesn’t say much these days. Neither does Mark. He misses their banter. Wishes Roger would say something. Anything. Living with Roger is like living with a ghost these days, or maybe a shadow. But at least he’s up and around the loft, which is better than three weeks ago. On his way to the hotplate he starts the message playing on the answering machine._

_“Hey guys it’s Benny. Mark if you’re there. You should pick up. I really need to talk to you. It’s about the building” Mark stops bringing down the mugs and turns around. Benny hasn’t called in months. There’s a pause before he starts talking again._

_“Alright, I guess I deserve to be screened. I haven’t called in a while. Anyway, the thing about the building. There’s been some meetings and rezoning. A lot of talk’s been going on... and.... well I’m gonna need to start charging you rent again.... and I’m also going to need the rent I let slide this year. Sorry to do this over message. Call me back. We should talk. We could have lunch. I know you haven’t been out in awhile. Anyway, I should go. Talk soon.” Click._

_Roger stares at the machine. He’s about to feel bad about the jab about Mark not getting out much lately when he hears a crash and a yell. He jumps and looks up. Mark is standing there, shaking with rage. Across the room, a pile of wood pieces that was once a rickety chair lay on the floor where it fell after being hurled at the wall. Dust is puffing from a hole in the drywall. Roger’s eyes are wide with shock._

_“Mark?” He asks tentatively. But Mark doesn’t hear him. He’s already ranting._

_“That bastard! Who the hell does he think he is? That’s not the Benny I know that’s for fucking sure! Jesus Christ after all we’ve been through together and this is the shit he pulls? I left collage for that asshole and this is what he does? That motherfucking asshole? How the fuck does he expect me to pay the rent? Has he had his head entirely up his ass this year?”_

_His demeanour changes and suddenly he’s not shaking because he’s angry but because he’s crying, something Mark has never done in front of Roger, who’s frozen, watching this unfold._

_“Oh Jesus how am I gonna do this. How the fuck? I don’t have the money. I don’t have any money. I can’t pay for rent and bills and AZT and what the fuck are we going to do about food? Jesus fuck I can’t afford this right now what the fuck am I gonna do? Fuck. Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck. Oh god.”_

_Roger snaps out of it when he realizes Mark is on the verge of hyperventilating. Terrified, he rushes over and takes the sobbing man in his arms._

_“Hey! Hey hey, shhhh, hey listen to me. Mark listen. It’s gonna be okay. We’re gonna figure it out. We’re gonna be fine. We’re gonna be fine. Shhhh, it’s okay, we’re okay.”_

_Roger is shit at this and he knows it. Mark is the strong one. The one who knows what to say and do. It scares Roger senseless to see him like this. But he holds Mark close and rocks back and forth on the balls of his feet, trying to bring a sense of calm to this mess. Eventually, Mark stops shuddering and wraps his arms around Roger’s torso. He breathes in a strangled breath and tries to calm himself down._

_“I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’m okay it’s just, Jesus that’s a lot to think about.” Roger just keeps holding him and repeating his “It’s okay We’re okay” Mantra. Mark looks up at him and reaches up to brush some of the hair out of his eyes. It’s getting pretty shaggy. “Hey. I’m sorry, I’m okay I promise.” Even like this he’s still trying to comfort Roger. He starts to wiggle out of the embrace. “I guess I should call Benny.” Roger latches on again._

_“No. Not now. I’m not sure if ever, but definitely not now, not like this. You look tired. You should go lie down.” Mark twists in his arms._

_“I don’t know, maybe it’s best to do this now...”_

_“Please Mark? I’m tired then. Come lie down with me. Please? I need you.” He knows this is how to get Mark to do what he wants._

_“Fine.” He sighs, allowing Roger to lead him to the couch. They lie down together with Roger loosely holding him. Once he thinks Roger’s asleep he starts to cry again softly this time. Roger pretends to still be asleep, but pulls him closer and holds him tighter, scared out of his mind._


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This chapter references past self harm/scars

At this point Mark felt like he was always waking up. This time he was on the couch and Roger was leaning over him, shaking his shoulder. 

“Time to wake up Bark.” He said happily. Mark groaned and planted his face back into the couch. He was still wearing his glasses and could feel them digging into his head but he was still too sleepy to move. 

“Go away.” He mumbled, half heartedly shoving at Roger’s chest. “I’m sleeping, isn’t that what you wanted me to do?”

“Mhm, and you can do that after but now you gotta get up. I ran you a bath and it’s getting cold.” 

“I don’t want to take a bath. I want to go back to sleeeep.”

“Tough shit. You need one. When was the last time you showered?” Roger didn’t catch the muffled response. 

Mark rolled over, no intention of leaving the couch. It didn’t deter Roger, who simply picked him up and started across the apartment with Mark in his arms. 

“Hey!” He squawked, twisting to look up at Roger. His glasses were hanging onto his face with one arm at this point and he was trying to settle them back on his face. “Put me down!”

“Okay.” He said, setting Mark down in front of the bathtub. Mark looked between Roger and the tub, glaring and self consciously wrapping his arms around himself. But now that he was here he couldn’t deny that the idea of a bath sounded nice.

“I’m good now. You can go, I’ll be fine.”

“You sure?”

“Mhmm, promise.” Mark was practically pushing him out.

“Okay, I’ll be out here. Shout if you need.”

Roger closed the door and headed for the living room. slightly confused. Mark had never been shy about his body before. Roger had seen him in just his boxers countless times. He shrugged, chalking it up to Mark being self conscious about the weight loss. The guy was scarily thin. Thinking about that, he made a turn to the kitchen and started some water boiling for pasta. 

It took Roger about half an hour to make dinner. Spaghetti and toast and even a small salad, trying to use some of the produce Joanne had brought them before it went bad. Mark still wasn’t out of the bath by the time it was on the table. He went over and knocked on the door. 

“Mark?” No answer. “Mark, it’s been awhile, you good?” Still nothing. He cracked open the door and immediately his heart dropped to his stomach. “Mark!”

Mark was laying still in the water, his head lolled to the side. He started and gave a noise of surprise though, as Roger slid onto his knees at the edge of the tub, splashing as he reached for Mark’s hand. He was confused for a second before he realized where he was and how this must look for Roger, who was already crying as he held his wrist, feeling for the pulse. 

“Oh shit. Oh shit! Roger it’s okay! shhhh, I’m okay! I promise baby I’m okay, I just fell asleep. I’m so sorry.” 

Roger rested his forehead on the edge of the tub, letting out a shaky breath. He was still holding Mark’s wrist in the water. Mark sat up so he could kiss the top of Roger’s head. 

“Gave me a fucking heart attack.” Roger said, sitting up. He took Mark’s face in his dripping hands and kissed him, over and over. “Don’t ever do that to me again.”

“I’m sorry baby. I didn’t mean to” he managed between kisses. “I was just so tired. I’m sorry I won’t do it again.” Roger let go of Mark’s face and scrubbed his own, trying to regain composure. He was trying very hard to keep from freaking out and being in here wasn’t helping. 

“C’mon,” he said, standing and offering out his hands to help Mark up. “Let’s get out of here.” Mark looked up at him from where he sat, knees tucked to his chest. 

“Roger,” he said, ears turning pink “I’m naked.” Roger relaxed enough that he grinned and winked at him. 

“So? Plumbing’s the same as mine isn’t it? And you’ve seen that.” Mark turned away. 

“It’s, it’s not that.”

“Then what is it?”

“It’s, I don’t know.”

“Mark, what is it? What’s wrong?” The grin was gone. 

“I just, I didn’t want you to see...”

“Didn’t want me to see what?” 

Mark sighed and finally accepted Roger’s hands and pulled himself out of the tub. It took a second before Roger saw what Mark meant. Hundreds of little lines along the tops of his thighs, all varying levels of healed, ranging from faded scar tissue, to scabs. He opened his mouth to say something then shut it, then opened it again. 

“Stop looking at me like that.”

“Like what?”

“Like a fish! Like you don’t know what to say to me anymore.”

“No, it’s not, it’s just, how did I never see?”

“Boxers cover them, I made sure.”

“How long?”

“Too long. I’ve been meaning to kick the habit. Almost did last year, and then....” he trailed off. Roger had yet to take his eyes off of them. “Yeah, I know it’s ugly. I hate them too. Shows what a real mess I am.” His head snapped up. 

“What? No. Mark. Don’t say that. You’re not a mess.”

“You’re a terrible liar Roger. Stop looking at me like that.”

“I’m not looking at you like anything.”

“You’re looking at me like I’m someone else! Please don’t hate me. This is why I didn’t want you to know. I didn’t want it to change how you felt about me.” 

Mark was looking at the ground so Roger’s tight embrace caught him off guard. 

“Listen to me. This changes nothing about how I feel about you. I could never hate you. Never. I love you so much. I’m just upset with myself. I should have noticed.”

“It’s okay. I hid it from you.”

“You would have noticed. If it was the other way around, you would have noticed. I’m sorry. I’ve been selfish and I haven’t been a great friend. But I love you so much and I’m here now. I want you to tell me when you feel like this.”

“It’s okay. It doesn’t matter anymore. I’ll be fine.”

“Of course it matters!” Roger stepped back to cup Mark’s face. “You matter so much! Look at me!” He tilted Mark’s chin upwards. “You mean everything to me.” Mark was crying again so Roger pulled him close. They stood like that for a few minutes, dripping water onto Roger’s socks. “Would you tell me why?” Roger asked, finally breaking the silence. 

“You’ll think its stupid.” Roger pressed a kiss to the top of his head. 

“I will not.” The sigh ran through Mark’s whole body.

“I guess, since I didn’t let myself deal with my emotions, this was a way for me to feel something, anything. Release? I don’t know, I never really thought about it.”

“That’s not stupid. Not at all. People deal with that in all sorts of ways. You did that, I decided drugs were the answer, all sorts of activities and hand crafts.” Roger’s little joke earned a small laugh from Mark. He wasn’t great with the comfort, but he was doing his best. Bending down he rested their foreheads together. “Just talk to me about it, okay? I want to be there for you.” Mark hummed uncomfortably.

“I hate asking things of people. I feel needy.”

“Did you think I was being needy when I needed your help last year?”

“Sometimes.” Mark said, but he gave a small smirk and reached up to wrap his arms around Rogers neck. “But it never stopped me from wanting to help you.”

“Did it make you love me any less?” Mark’s eyes got wide.

“Of course not! oh no, I was just kidding, of course it didn’t make me love you any less!” Roger chuckled and kissed him softly 

“It goes both ways. Please let me help, I want to.”

“Okay, will you help by passing me my towel?”

“Good start.”

Roger retrieved it and draped it around Mark, rubbing his shoulders lightly. After towelling off, Mark put on the clothes Roger had laid out for him when he ran the bath. 

“Come on. I made dinner. It’s probably only a little cold.” He wrapped an arm around Mark as they made their way to the kitchen. “You called me baby.” He remarked, absentmindedly. 

“Hmm?”

“In the tub back there, you called me baby.”

“Oh. It must’ve just slipped out. Sorry.”

“Don’t be,” said Roger, giving him a small lopsided smile. “I kinda liked it.”


	7. Chapter 7

For the next little while they existed in a sort of perfect bubble. Mark would wake up in Roger’s arms and kiss him good morning. Roger would throw together what food they had make Mark eat as much as he could of it. Mark tried his best to let Roger take care of him. They’d spend time reading and talking and making music. Mark picked up his camera for the first time in ages and started filming things again. Small clips of Roger playing guitar, pigeons on the window ledge, nothing big. They didn’t leave the loft unless they had to. 

It was two weeks before Christmas when the bubble popped.

knock knock knock.

It was morning and dust motes were dancing in the winter sun that was streaking through the window. Roger and Mark were still curled up together in Mark’s bed. 

“If we’re quiet, they’ll go away.” Mark mumbled groggily, still half asleep. Roger was already stirring though, about to get up and see who it was. Mark hooked his leg up over his hip and rolled on top him. “It’s probably just Maureen. Do you really want to deal with Maureen this early? Just deal with me instead.” Roger laughed, about to settle back into the mattress.

 

“Roger? Mark? Anyone home?” Both men froze at the sound of that voice behind the door. “Helloooo?” 

“I thought you said she was in rehab?” Roger said, looking up at Mark, confused. Mark was sitting up now, looking just as confused.

“She was? Last I heard anyway. I’m not sure, but you should probably go answer the door.” 

Roger was already pulling back the covers. grabbing the closest pair of jeans he could find he stumbled out into the common area, dressing as he went.

Knock knock knock

Roger threw back the sliding door to reveal none other than Mimi. She leaned up against the frame and smiled, batting her long lashes.

“Hey there, heard you were back in town. Miss me baby?” 

Roger subconsciously took a step back. Something about hearing Mimi call him baby made him twitch. It didn’t sound right anymore, not after hearing it come from Mark. When he stepped back, she took it as an invitation to come in. 

“Who told you I was home?” He asked still walking backwards. She matched him step for step. 

“A chatty little bird named Maureen. She came to visit me.” Mimi closed the gap and laced her arms around his shoulders. “why didn’t you come visit?” 

Roger kept stepping moving, only to be stopped when he backed himself right into Mark, who had made his way out of the bedroom. He took it as an opportunity to break out of the embrace. Mimi was happy enough to direct her affections to Mark, pulling him into a hug.

“Mark! How’ve you been? You seem thin, you getting by alright?” Mark returned the hug, shooting Roger a confused look over her shoulder.

“I’m getting by as much as I ever am.” He said lightly. “Although I’m a little surprised to see you here. Aren’t you supposed to be in rehab?” She laughed and pulled away, swinging her scarf around in her hands.

“Out on good behaviour, you could say.” She focused on Roger again, who had retreated back against the wall. “Had to come by and see if he was really home. He was just about to kiss me like he missed me I believe.”

“Oh I don’t know about that!” Roger said, flustered as he side stepped Mimi’s attempt at an embrace. Immediately, her upbeat demeanour fell flat.

“What? you don’t want to kiss me?” Roger ran his hand through his hair. He had no idea what to do. He couldn’t lead her on, but he didn’t want to tell her the truth just yet, unsure of how she’d take it.

“It’s just, aren’t you with Benny?” He took a stab. By the way she rolled her eyes, he had missed. 

“Oh goody, this again. What do I always say about Benny? He ain’t nothing between you and me.”

“I don’t know, I just don’t feel right about it if you’re still seeing him.”

“What are you talking about? You hate Benny. You’d love to throw this at him.” She laughed. “What, are you seeing someone or something?” Roger just cleared his throat. Suddenly she wasn’t laughing anymore. She turned to look at Mark. “Is he seeing someone already?” Mark looked at his feet.

“I don’t know if already is the right word,” He mumbled “I mean you’ve been on and off for months.”

“Stay out of it! What do you know?” She said, ignoring the fact that she had brought him into it. She faced back to Roger. “Who is she? Some girl you met in Santa Fe?” 

“Not exactly.” 

“Well then who the hell is she?” Roger was now looking anywhere but Mark.

“What does it matter? You left me, remember? Why are you making this into a big thing?”

“I didn’t leave! I just needed a break!” 

“Oh really? A break, yeah? Is that why you never wanted to see me again?” Two minutes and they were already fighting again. 

“You know I didn’t mean it!”

“Then why’d you say it?”

Before Roger could say anything else on the matter, she threw up her hands “You know what, fine, doesn’t matter anyway. You want me gone? I’m gone. It’s my turn to leave.” 

“Mimi…” He didn’t want to leave things this way, he honestly didn’t know if he trusted her not to do anything stupid right now, but she was already storming down the stairs. Instead of going after her like he’d done a thousand times, he just shut the door. 

Turning around, he found Mark staring at him, not quite sure what to make of what just happened. He went up and silently wrapped his arms around him, resting his chin on top of his head. He sighed heavily, finally feeling like he was able to exhale.

“Well,” Said Mark, breaking the silence. “This morning sure has taken an unexpected turn.” Roger let out a breathy laugh. 

“You could say that.” 

“Wish I would have filmed it. I could call the scene ‘Roger dances around the fact that he’s got a new boyfriend.’”

Roger pulled back to look at Mark. 

“Is that what we are now?” The tips of Marks ears turned pink. He opened his mouth but then shut it again. 

“I- I don’t know,” he said. “Maybe. If you want to be? We don’t have to be boyfriends. We don’t have to tell people if you don’t want. We can just keep being roommates, and just, I don’t know, it’s not like we have that many people to tell, whatever you want I guess, I know you like your privacy, I just, It just slipped out...”

“Mark?” He looked up from where his eyes had drifted to the floor. “What do you want?” Roger was giving him his best rockstar grin. “Cause I’d love to show off my new boyfriend to all my friends. All three of them. But only if he’s okay with it.” Mark’s smile was so big it almost hurt. 

“I think I’d like that a lot.” He pulled at Roger’s collar, tugging his face down to meet his own. 

It was Roger who broke the kiss first. 

“I should probably go explain this to Mimi before she has the chance to stew in her juices about it.” Mark stretched out on tip toes pulling him closer again. 

“Let her stew a little longer.” He said between kisses. He was still trying to persuade him when the phone rang. 

“Speeeeeaaaaak”

“Mark, it’s Benny. Are you there? Pick up.... listen I know it’s been awhile, and I know you’re wading through deep shit, but I got a call, Mimi checked herself out of rehab yesterday morning and I haven’t been able to find her or get a hold of her since. Have you seen her? Please call me when you get this.”

“Okay, maybe you should go talk to her.” Mark said, picking up the phone. Roger was already grabbing his scarf.


	8. Chapter 8

Roger didn’t find Mimi in her apartment. He didn’t find her anywhere on the block. Mark didn’t find her around the community centre or at any of the shelters he checked. Joanne’s flyers didn’t seem to do much, neither did Maureen’s questioning of the dancers at the Cat Scratch Club. Benny couldn’t get a hold of anyone who had seen her lately.

It was Christmas Eve and Mark and Roger had just come back in from another neighbourhood sweep. Flopping on the couch next to each other, Roger leaned his head on Mark’s shoulder. Mark immediately began to play with his hair, trying to offer comfort. He knew Roger blamed himself for pushing her away.

“It’s not your fault.” He said quietly, for the umpteenth time in the last two weeks. Roger just hummed in response. 

The guilt eating at him was one of the worst things he’d ever felt, and he’d felt pretty shitty in his lifetime. It was also part of the reason why he decided they should wait to tell their friends about their developing relationship. He didn’t want to chance anyone finding and telling Mimi before he had a chance to explain things to her. 

They were still curled up on the couch when Collin’s called from the payphone. Mark got up and threw down the keys. A few minutes later they were hugging in the doorway, updating Collins on the Mimi situation. He took it solemnly but with his usual hopeful spirit. He shared the new prospect of the ATM by the food bank offered out cups of Stoli in celebration of that, which they drank before sitting down, Collin’s on the armchair, Mark and Roger a respectable distance away from each other on the couch. Mark almost immediately popped back up.

“Anyone want a beer?” He asked. “We actually have some right now.” 

“I’m not surprised you two have beer,” teased Collin’s with a smile. “I’d be surprised if you had anything in that fridge beside it.”

“For your information, we have mustard, and the last of the leftovers from dinner two nights ago.” Mark replied easily, handing him a bottle. 

Without thinking, he tucked himself into Roger’s side, passing him the beer and causally kissing his cheek. It was only when he looked back and saw Collins’ jaw hit his chest that he even realized what he had done. 

“Oh shit!” He immediately jumped to the other side of the couch, distancing himself. “I- ah shit, I wasn’t even thinking, uh that was…” He turned to face at Roger, who was slightly stunned but didn’t seem upset. “I’m sorry, I know you didn’t want to tell anyone yet-“

“Tell anyone about what?” Collins interjected. His eyes were flitting between Mark and Roger. “Are you two, like, together?” 

Mark’s face was completely pink as he chose to bite his lip instead of answering.

“Yeah, we are.” Said Roger, sliding up beside Mark again and knocking their knees together with a small smile. “it’s okay,” he said softly. “This is good, I like this.” The tension eased a little from his shoulders. Collins was still looking at them with shock, but also with what looked like pure glee.

“Damn! It finally happened! I didn’t think I’d live to see this. And Mark, you’ve been waiting for-“

“Shut up!” Mark cut him off, his ears going from pink to red. Collins just laughed.

“Well it’s been a long while, lets just say that.” Roger wrapped his arm around Mark and shook his shoulders, giving him a wicked grin.

“aw come on Bark, how long have you had a crush on me?” 

“I don’t want to say.” He mumbled looking at the ground. Roger kept nudging him playfully. Collin’s was still chuckling to himself. “It’s embarrassing!”

“ooo it’s been looooong time! What was it, love at first sight?”

“No!” 

“Come on, please? I really want to know.” Roger just kept looking at Mark, rockstar smile plastered on his face. Mark sighed in defeat.

“Okay fine. Remember that summer it was crazy hot? Like worse than usual, and you found that old inflatable pool and patched it and we set it up on the roof? And then we just hung out up there all summer, squeezed into that stupid pool and we drank too much stupid beer and watched the stupid sunsets and anyway it was sometime around then.”

“Mark that was like…four years ago.” Mark couldn’t gauge how Roger was reacting, he was too busy trying to collapse in on himself and disappear.

“I told you it was embarrassing.” he muttered, keeping his eyes fixed on the dusty rug. Roger just squeezed him and roughly kissed the side of his head, somehow still smiling.

“Nah, I think it’s sweet.” It earned him a sideways glance from Mark. “Pinky swear.” Mark sighed, and gave him a small smile, which Roger returned with a laugh and another kiss. Collins cleared his throat.

“I still have so many questions guys.”

However, Collins didn’t get a chance to ask any questions before they heard Joanne and Maureen yelling down from the street, immediately dissipating the playful mood of the loft.


	9. Chapter 9

The only sounds that punctuated the silence of the loft were Mimi’s coughs. Joanne fussed over her as she lay on the table, covered in the blankets they could find around the living area. Collins was on the phone leaving a message for Benny. Roger stood next to Mark, wearing down his thumbnail with his teeth. He hadn’t said a word since they carried her up.

“You should go to her.” Mark said quietly, nudging Roger. “I think, I think she needs you.” 

“You sure?” He asked, looking between Mimi and Mark. Mark nodded.

“Everyone deserves to go out… to feel loved, at a time like this.”

Joanne stepped back as Roger walked up to the table. He took her hand and gently squeezed. She looked up at him, eyes the size of saucers, and smiled.

“Here for one last fight?” She asked in a cracked whisper. Roger let out a laugh at the unexpected question.

“How about we forget the fight, and skip to the part after.”

“Don’t know if I’m quite up for that.” She said with a wink before curling into herself, coughing. Roger pulled her up into his arms, trying to make it easier for her to breathe.

“I meant the part where we love each other again, can we just do that part?” He asked once Mimi had caught her breath. she hummed in agreement and leaned into him.

“I love you Roger” She whispered.

“I love you.” 

“No you don’t.”

“Stop trying to fight with me.” He told her, but there was no heat in the words. “I do love you.”

“Okay,” She said with a sigh. “You love me.” She looked up at him. “We had some fun together at least. I am glad it’s you here though. At the end. Please don’t leave.”

“Shhh, I’m here, I’m staying.”

“I can’t wait to see Angel again.” Mimi said distantly. Her eyes focused on the corner of the room and she smiled. “Well speak of the devil. You here to show me the way?” 

“Mimi?” Roger asked, unsure of who she was talking too. “Mimi are you okay?” She smiled as she grasped Rogers hand in one of hers and held out the other in the direction of their friends.

“She looks so good Collins. I love you guys.” And with that her eyes closed and her grip went lax.

“Mimi?” whispered Roger. “Mimi?” He shook her. “Oh god. Mimi!” 

His whole body was shaking and there was a ringing in his ears. He could hear people talking around him but it sounded like he was hearing them from underwater. He felt someone tugging at him as he watched Collins pull Mimi out of his arms. He turned and found Mark, big blue eyes brimming with tears. It was too much.

“I can’t do this right now.” He heard himself say. He slipped out of Mark’s grasp on his arm and made his way to the bedroom, closing the door softly behind him. In the back of his mind he vaguely thought about what it would look like to everyone, walking into Mark’s room like it was his, but he couldn’t find it in himself to care.

“Mark, why did Roger go to your room?” Maureen was the only one really paying attention to Roger. Everyone else was focused on the table. It took Mark a few seconds before he even realized Maureen was talking to him.

“Hmm?” He said, tearing his eyes up from Mimi’s body to give her a blank stare.

“Roger, he just went into your room. Why would he do that?”

“Oh, uhhh…” Mark really didn’t feel up to making excuses, but now really wasn’t the time to tell everyone. “It’s the only room with a door?” He said lamely. “Probably wanted some privacy. I don’t mind, I’ll check on him later.” His answer seemed to satisfy her, although they were all so dazed he probably could have said just about anything. 

“I guess we should call the police.” Collins said hollowly. He was still holding her body. “Benny too. He deserves to know.”

“I’ll do it.” 

Mark was already walking towards the phone, in fix-it mode. He put on his best neutral face and did his best to detach before setting about what needed doing. After making the calls he went back to the table and tugged Collins away from Mimi. He made sure she was laying nicely before sitting down beside Collins and pulling him towards him. When Benny arrived he hugged him too because apparently even Benny still needed him. He talked to the police and walked with Mimi out the door so he could say his goodbyes. By the time he made it back to the pile of people on his couch he was exhausted and he knew dealing with Roger would be double this exertion. Grabbing any spare blankets they had, he piled them on the armchair.

“I’m gonna go see how Roger’s doing.” He told them. “Feel free to spend the night. All of you.” He looked at Benny when he said the last part, who in turn gave him the most genuine look of gratitude he’d seen from him in years. Steeling himself, he headed towards the bedroom.


	10. Chapter 10

Roger was lying on the bed facing the wall when Mark walked in. He sat down on the edge of the bed and rested his hand on Roger’s shoulder, mirroring the night after Angel’s death. Neither of them moved.

“Are you going to leave me again?” Mark asked, his voice barely above a whisper. “You, you can if you need, I just, I need to know this time…” At Mark’s voice, Roger rolled over and tugged on his arm until he was lying beside him. He reached out and stroked Mark’s cheek.

“I’m not leaving, I promise.” Hearing that made Mark relax a little, enough to put him back in fix it mode. 

“How are you feeling?” He asked, pushing the hair out of Roger’s face. “What’s going on in there?” He scratched his scalp lightly. 

“A lot.” He said, leaning into the touch. “Not enough. I don’t know, I feel sad, but not like my world is going to implode. I feel guilty about not being more sad.” Mark leaned over and kissed his forehead. “What about you? How are you doing?” Mark shook his head.

“I’ll be fine.”

“Mark, she was your friend too, you must be upset.”

“I haven’t had time to be upset.” 

“Make some time.” Roger brushed at the hairs on the back of his neck. Mark’s eyes closed at the contact. “Please, let me in Mark. Let me do this for you.” His request was met with silence. “Are you going to… do you feel like…” He trailed off, instead tracing his hand down Mark’s side until it rested on his thigh. At this Mark shook his head.

“I don’t think so.” Mark said finally. “It feels different this time. I feel more, I feel less alone.” He kept his eyes squeezed shut. “I feel sad. I feel guilty that I couldn’t do more for her.” Roger kissed the pinch between his eyebrows. “I’m scared baby.”

“Why are you scared?” Instead of answering, Mark just curled in around himself. Roger in turn curled himself around Mark. “Mark, what’s scarring you?”

“Everything.” He whispered. “I’m scared of letting myself feel all of this, I’m scared of you leaving, I’m scared of having to do this two more times, I’m scared of having to live without you, I’m just scarred.” Roger could feel Mark shaking as he cried, so he pulled him closer. 

“I’m scared too.” He mumbled into Mark’s hairline. “Jesus Christ I’m fucking terrified.” Mark looked up at him, pale eyes rimmed red.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have put that on you. I feel like I failed.”

“Shhh. You didn’t fail. Let’s be scared together.” Roger pressed their foreheads together. “Or, let’s pretend that nothing is awful. Just for a minute.” He pressed their lips together. “There’s nothing to fear. Just stay right here.”

“I love you.” Mark whispered.

“I love you too.” Roger moved his arms from Mark’s face to encircle him. “It’s okay, I’m still here, right now, I promise.”

“I know.” Said Mark, eyes drifting shut.

This time the reason Roger doesn’t say anything is because he’s peacefully falling asleep.


End file.
